*Languages: Georgian
* Anna is a high school senior from Tallahassee, Florida. She is a current NSLI-Y Finalist for the Turkish summer and Korean academic year programs.
When I first moved to America, I walked into elementary school with, at most, a handful of English words under my belt. Enjoyable ESL classes and tote bags full of books quickly shortened the gap between me and my American classmates until, eventually, I spoke and read the language as well as any of them. At the time, the last thing on my mind was the idea of forgetting my first language. I had spent six years of my live living and breathing Georgian – I didn’t realise that I might give up part of that connection in exchange for success within my new educational environment.
To this day, I am incredibly thankful for the effort my parents put into maintaining every thread tying my sister and I to our people and culture. Every visit to Georgia involved bringing home textbooks and collections of stories. My mother, my sister, and I would sit together reading these aloud and writing about our days in Georgian. This, however, was the routine of only my younger years and, by middle school, these study sessions stopped, absorbed my busy schedule. Despite the additional practice, my knowledge of the language remained and my connection to my culture stayed as strong as it had always been. One aspect of my relationship with Georgian, however, has been greatly affected over the years I’ve spent in America: my confidence when speaking.
In my head, I can play out full conversations in Georgian; every word fitting perfectly into clear and structured ideas. It’s only when I try to get the words out that my grammar hiccups and I stumble when looking for the words to express my emotions, ideas, and intentions. This has led to frustrating interactions in which others have assumed that I was only somewhat fluent or not fluent at all. Each instance in which others spoke to me in English after assuming that I could not communicate with them in Georgian hurt more than the last, but I still could not bring myself to trust in my ability to form sentences and use the language properly.
At first, this lack of confidence was something I just dealt with. I tried my best, saying what I could and occasionally stepping out of my comfort zone. As much as I hated how limited I felt in my expression, I did not push myself enough to get over my fears. The reality of the repercussions of this timidity did not hit me fully, however, until two years ago.
My grandmother fell ill. Incredibly ill. The last half of my tenth grade year felt as if I was hurtling towards the summer, when I would be able to go to Georgia and see her. When I finally made it to her bedside, however, I was struck by the horrifying realization that I could no longer fully express my love for her, my desire to see her the next time I returned and the time after that and the time after that. The tears that fell on her hand were not merely of grief but also of bitter shame. I held onto her tightly, hoping every inch of skin touching her could say the words that I could not. Unable to find the words I needed, I simply repeated the same sentence over and over again.
მარტო არ ხარ. You’re not alone.
The point of this article, however, is not just to tell a story. I am writing with a message, a purpose. The experience I had with my grandmother was excruciatingly painful, but such moments often come with the best morals.
With how easily I can recall the emotions I felt at the time, I urge everyone to not be like the me of back then, so as to avoid ever feeling so miserable. Whether you are learning a new language or maintaining your fluency in another, I cannot emphasize just how important it is to go head-first out of your comfort zone and communicate. Find native speakers and learn to speak with confidence. Figure out what colloquialisms are used in your target language so as to speak more naturally. Learn with a friend that you are comfortable embarrassing yourself in front of so that you can let go all of your anxieties and give your all. I used to barely talk to my parents in Georgian because I was always too scared to be told that I had made a mistake. Rather than protect me from shame, this tactic only hurt me. Do not shy away from criticism – how else will you learn? Even if you know every word you could possibly need in a given conversation, it is all for naught if you do not muster up the confidence to express yourself.
Meet the Writer!
"My love for learning languages began when I first moved to America at the age of six and began learning English. I have since experimented with various languages such as Japanese, Turkish, French, etc. I am almost done with high school as a part of the IB Diploma Programme and in the future, I hope to get a degree in International Relations and move to a different country." ~Anna Stvilia
Thanks for tuning in to this hybrid NSLI-Y Alumni Insights piece -- as Anna isn't an alum but a finalist. We're nearing the end of our submissions, so make sure to contact us if you'd still like to participate!
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